Everybody is stupid when I’m upset

Argh! Where is a big, hungry, sleep-deprived german shepherd when you need one? Not to hurt anybody with, just so scare. A raging bull would also do, or a bodyguard, or another planet. Anything to create some distance between me and the people on the bus who can’t for the love of God, put their cellphones away. No one wants to hear you conversations! Your life is boring! Don’t burden us with the mundane details!

Let the record reflect that I’m not normally like this. This level of irritation is not brought on by the cellphone (ab)users, but by the fact that I’m already in a bad mood and looking for any external source to blame it on.
Am I upset because I still have to go to work?
Do I find it annoying that the new PA ‘can’t wait to start!?
Am I frustrated that it took me so long to get here?
Do I find it rude that my best friend is always on vacation and I have to do without our daily chats?
Is it hard to admit that I prefer Taylor Swift over Florence and the Machines?
Do I wish I was invisible?

It’s probably a combination of all of those things. Plus the fact that I have gained 2 pounds and thusly can’t drown my sorrows with chocolate, but have to humiliate myself by nibbling on carrot sticks.Wonderful. I just want to crawl out of my skin and not think for a while. Is that too much to ask? Stop looking at me!

When husband came home from work he told me that this couple we used to hang out with is getting a divorce. ‘That can’t happen to us you know!’ Yeah, like you need to tell me that. Weren’t you there when I said ‘I do‘? Not that those two words mean anything anymore. We have all seen the statistics. We all have a cluster of divorced people in our lives. We know it can get ugly. None of us know what happened to the couple in question, but someone made the intelligent observation: ‘This is what happens when you don’t have kids’. Right, because people with kids n e v e r get divorced. Get a grip. 

Jepp. I’m in a delightful mood. Just keep away from me and I promise not to hurt you.

Day 48-They Have Found The New Me!

She has been chosen! My successor. Don’t worry, she is every bit as good as me, and then some more. How to describe her? First of all, she gave a stellar interview. She had lots of relevant experience. She managed to convey how much she wanted the job and how much she looked forward to all aspects of it. She gave insightful answers and we were all left with: ‘Here is a worthy candidate’. She basically filled us with confidence, not dread and pity like most of the others.
Let the training begin! I feel relieved. Knowing that my job, a job I no longer like or want, is in safe hands will make leaving that much easier. I was wondering if some morsel of me would regret my choices. After all, it’s not a bad job, but it’s just not my job anymore. But no. No regrets, only happiness and glee.Phew! *wipes sweat of brow*

Yesterday when I came home from work I blew the dust-cloud of the mini-laptop and cleaned my writing area. I’ve been so busy lately reading, blogging, planning, and pondering that my writing had been put on the back burner. Which is funny, because writing is why I resigned in the first place. My innocent, half-baked manuscript has been neglected for weeks. It was time to correct that, so I jumped back on the saddle.

What joy it was to return to my ‘proper’ writing. I’m in love with the the sound of the keyboard, I can feel myself burrow down into a world of writing, re-writing, rephrasing and deleting. There is nothing quite like it. When sitting down to write, I newer know where the words will take me. I start off with a small idea, sometimes even just a sentence or a phrase, and then I go from there.

It’s the same process with this blog really. Some mornings I don’t have the faintest idea of what to write, but then I sit down and the words appear in front of me.
I’m not in any way claiming that the writing is any good, but the fact that there is writing happening at all feels like winning an Olympic gold medal.

After two hours of writing I was finally satisfied with the pages I’m showing the agent on Thursday. I’m not sure if I’ll ever reach I stage where I feel like: Yes, now it’s done! Every letter, word and sentence is perfect. That will come later maybe. For now I need to draw up some artificial deadlines and try to stick to a self-imposed schedule. If I wait to write until all the conditions are right, whatever that might be, and then don’t stop until I’m 110% pleased with what I have written, I would never get anything done. In that regards writing this blog has been great exercise. I have a small window between getting up and catching the bus to work. Write, post, done.

“A writer who waits for ideal conditions under which to work will die without putting a word on paper.”

Day 47-Djesus, let just be practical this morning.

I can be Martha Stewart (minus the prison sentence).

I know you should flip you mattress every six months or so.
I have fun -for- the -whole- family recipes.
I can super-shine a bathtub.
I know how to jazz up the front door in time for the festive season. You just watch me.

Do you want to know some of my very own killer survival tips for running a well oiled home? Here it goes:

* Keep white sugar away from your brownie recipe. Always use brown sugar. Brown sugar will trap the moisture and leave your brownies chewy, not caky.

* You also want to add a little brown sugar to your water when boiling broccoli. It makes the broccoli greener. Weird, but true.

* When cleaning ivory, use a milk/water solution. ( I am aware that this one is borderline politicly incorrect. At this day and age, no one should be in proximity of ivory. Unless you are standing next to an elephant. I’m just including it, in case you have inherited an old piano.)

* Never make pancakes for a bear cub. Trust me on this one.

* White vinegar is the goddess of all cleaning products. She is instrumental in everything from shiny hair to removing bird droppings.

* Always bake your own bread. No compromises.

* Te-stained cups and mugs are no match for baking powder. Add some water and b.powder to your cup, wait, wash and rinse. As good as new.

* Rinse the rice thoroughly before boiling. Bye bye sticky rice!

* Egg whites are not only great for baking, they make the best face mask. Stir the egg-white, put it on your face and leave it there until it is totally try. Rinse off and cancel your botox appointment.

* When sewing, change the needle every8 hours.

That felt good! No lofty philosophy this Monday morning!

I would love to learn some of your tricks though, don’t be shy.
Here is one last thing, not a trick really, more an observation: Tea tastes better from a Samovar.

Day 46- The Dreaded Day Jobs

I have never been one of those career women. Shocking, I know. The problem was that I could never decide on who to become:
Princess Buttercup (The Princess Bride) or Tess McGill (Working Girl)?
Andie Walsh (Pretty in Pink) or Charlie Blackwood (Top Gun)?
Lucy Honeychurch (A Room with a View) or Karen Blixen (Out of Africa)?

While trying to reach a decision, I also needed to eat and pay my bills. Here are some of the Day Jobs that tied me over:

CHEESECAKE AND DISHES
Through a friend I was lucky enough to get a dishwashing gig at one of the finer restaurants in town. The dishwashing area was mega posh: stainless steel everywhere, power jet faucet, a killer dishwashing machine and I even got to wear a fancy white uniform. I looked awsome. Hair up! Rolled up sleeves! Armed with scrubs, gloves and a multitude of washing solutions,  I rocked that dishwashing job.

I didn’t focus so much on the fact that I was doing dishes non-stop for 7-8 hours. That elegantly slipped my mind. I choose to look at my existence as a novel, an interesting story, an old movie from the 40’s or 50’s. At any given moment Carry Grant could walk through the door, or James Bond for that matter. Or there would be a hostage situation where I managed to hide behind the shelves in the attic and signal the coastguard through the tiny gap in the wall. You know, normal stuff like that.

 On any given weekday one of the cooks would inevitably mess up the famous cheese cake and we all got to eat it. Best cheese cake ever. At age 17, this was a dream job.

I LEARN WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE OLD
‘First when you wake them up, you have to walk them to the bathroom. Some of them don’t make it through the night and you have to change their diaper.’ The woman in front of me was straight out of ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’. Firm, stern and emotionless. We walked into the room of the first patient/resident/. Her name was Mary, she was 87 year old and her only living relative was her sister who lived in another town. Mary never got any visitors.

The moment we wake her up, she starts to cry. I understand. Having a diaper changed by a robot in the early hours of the morning is no way to start the day. The stench almost knocked me out. ‘You get used to it’, I severely doubt that.

After we are done with our rounds and all the people are washed and clothed, it’s coffee-break time. The nurses and staff sit in a sparsely furnished breakroom and exchange dinner recipes and talk about what was on TV last night. This is not what I expected. I thought the staff would be like Florence Nightingale. I  thought we would take the elderly on walks, reminiscent about the olden days, help them pin up their hair and remind them that their son is visiting on Wednesday. I didn’t take into account bodily functions and Gestapo like staff.

Even if I could get used to it, I really don’t want to. I made it through one day, and that was it.

SWEET ROSES
There were 3 or 4 green houses packed with every kind of rose imaginable. No bad smells here! My job was to pick the roses, start with the yellow ones, and bring them back to the shop where they were made into bouquets and shipped off to nearby stores. It was hard work, but peaceful. Snipp snipp snipp, walking up and down the rows of roses, only cutting those who are just right. Some of them had really sharp thorns, hence the thick jacket.

The shop area was buzzing with activity. Sorting, arranging and packing of roses all day long. The concrete floor was wet and covered with leaves an peddles. I though it was marvelous. Before too long I was made in charge of the orders, dealing with customers and training of new staff. It wasn’t exactly a mentally challenging job, a bit repetitive maybe, but it served its purpose.

One day I took some of the discarded roses and maDe them into a really beautiful bouquet. Then on my way from work I walkED by the elderly home. I handED the roses over to the receptionist and said ‘Please give these to Mary in room 25. Just tell her it’s from a friend.’ When I left I cried.

NANNIES AND BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
A rich family I knew was going abroad and asked if  I could come along as a nanny. It was only for two weeks and the pay was good. ‘It would mean a lot for us, we need some time without the boys’. Why not? I’d seen Mary Poppins and Sound of Music, I knew what I was in for.

It was a disaster. Have you ever tried to control kids in front of their parents? You can’t. The offsprings will not behave as long as mommy and daddy are in the same room.

The very first evening there was a formal dinner. I was seated at the edge of the long table with the kids. The real people were situated at the other end, conversing about the stock market and the role of religion in modern society. Suddenly the youngest boy slid off his chair and darted under the table to his brother. He yanked off his sock, blew his nose in it and threw it onto the antique sofa.
I was h o r r i f i e d. What will the parents say? Nothing. They said and did nothing. Just shrugged and gave me a ‘What to do?’ look before returning to their wine and conversation.

When I got a moment alone with the boys I lay into them like a hell-being on fire.’WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! WE DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE THAT, NOT AT HOME, NOT IN PUBLIC, NOT EVER! Here is the deal. If I ever-catch -you -do -anything -like -that -again, it’s bye bye fancy dinners and yummy desserts. If you even think about pulling a stunt like that, we will eat with the servants. That’s right. Down to the servants quarters we go. And you can forget about ice cream and cake. Is that what you want? IS IT?’
They could tell by the flames coming out of my eyes that I meant business. The flames and the threat of withdrawing dessert privileges did the trick.

After that heart-to-heart it went much better. There were the occasional slip-up like throwing rotten fruit on the mansion, foul language at the table and the usual bed time versus staying up battle. Nothing I couldn’t handle. By the end of the two weeks they were behaving like little angles.

When I got home I called my midwife friend and asked ‘Are there any known side-effects of taking two birth control pills a day?’
…………………………………
I could go on, there were other jobs, but I think you get the picture. Those of you who know from an early age you want to be a doctor, a teacher or an astronaut, I applaud and admire you. You have a goal to reach and you know how to get there. The rest of us go through life in a maze-like existence. A little to the left, a little to the right, around the bend and over the brook. No straight lines, no red threads, just skipping along looking for signs.

Still round the corner there may wait, A new road or a secret gate.
J. R. R. Tolkien 


Feel free to share some of you own day-job experiences. There are so many interesting stories out there. Tell us!

Day 45-The Girl Who Walked

What we collectively consider to be the Truth is, and always has been, highly subjective and constantly changing. After WW2 some people  believed that children fathered by german soldiers would have a propensity for marching and killing. The Norwegian government was ready to ship these youngsters off to Australia. I kid you not. And remember when being a woman and being able to vote were two separate worlds? What a about the belief that that the world was flat? In 1913 MDMA was sold as a diet pill. Today we call this mind-altering drug Ecstasy. Given enough time, the way we think about things will eventually change.

Ten, twenty or thirty years from now, people will hopefully laugh at our obsession with the low-carb diet, our saintification of celebrities and our dependance of cars. ‘Oh My, people back in 2013 were so primitive and ignorant! Pass me the tiger-cub will you? I need my palm read.’

Remember the ‘four minute barrier’? Basically it was commonly known that no-one could run a mile under 4 minutes. You shouldn’t even try, your heart could explode or something. Or worse. In 1954 Mr Bannister proved the world wrong by running a mile in 3.59.4 minutes. The ‘four minute barrier’ is today the standard for all male middle distance runners.

-My point exactly-
Don’t take things at face value, figure it out for yourself. This is both in regards to how we view the world at large and how we view ourselves. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: If you think something is out of your reach, it will be. If you give it a try though, you might surprise yourself. (I’m talking to myself here. You go Girl!)

Do you want to know a secret? When I was born the doctors told my mother I would never be able to walk. Fortunately they forgot to tell me that, and I’ve been walking, running, strolling and trotting along ever since. I was forever more known as The Girl Who Walked. (I wish….. )

Which leads me to: Will I , or will I not, be able to write and publish my book? After all, I have never been published before. I’ve never even considered that this was a real possibility for me. It’s just not who I am. Sorry, was. 

Time will tell. Time, hard work and an infinite believe in that anything is possible.

Day 44- Will you be next?

1. You might be one of those people who loves your job. You get along with your boss real swell and you feel motivated and good about the work you do.Yeah!

2. Or, you might be desperate for a career change. Perhaps you haven’t found your ‘next thing’ yet, but you know that your current work is not it. Sure, your boss is OK, your tasks are so-so, but its been a long time since you felt alive and fulfilled about what you do.

Now. What do these two situations have in common? At any given moment you could get screwed over. It’s sad, but true. Hear me out.
The Screw Over Factor does not, contrary to all logic and reason, take in to account if you showed up early every day, if you didn’t mind working through the lunch break, if you were one of those super reliable people who always stretched yourself and never left anything halfdone.
We have seen time and time again that just because you work hard doesn’t make you immune to asshole executive decisions. There is no way to guard yourself agains being stabbed in the back, regardless of how safe your think you are. But you knew this already, I’m not telling you anything new here.

Real life example: A friend of mine has been part of a team for over a decade. She loves her job, it loves her, it’s win/win all areound. Until….She was just told the devestating news that her department is moving its operation to Aberdeen. The message from the board-room was short and brutal: Either move or loose your job. 

Real life example: My friend’s boss has just been suspended. No body knows why, but they suspect that his boss is looking for excuses to get rid of him. Any small excuse will do, if she manages to spin it correctly. Which she will, because she is evil and has a dagger where her heart once was.

Real life example: Dear I mention Enron?

What I’m trying to say is: NONE OF US ARE IMMUNE! I hear a lot of somber conversations about job securities, it’s all bullshit. There is no job security, there never was, and yet we cling to our jobs like a liferaft. You might be able to hold on to it until retierment age, but is that how you want to spend your most productive years? Being a clinger?

All I’m saying, be careful, make a good plan B, and don’t be shocked and devastated when its your turn to face the music.

If you are planning to spend your life on a raft, bring plenty of sunscreen, a personal flotation device, a helmet, rafting clothes, a good set of oars, a patch kit and pure drinking water. Might as well be safe and hydrated.

On a compleately different note: The Honest Toddler is now following me on Twitter! Me! On Twitter! Now I know how Christian Louboutin felt when Princess Caroline walked in to his unknown boutique in Paris and sealed his destiny forever.

I’ve saved the best news for last: I’m meeting up with Agent Friend next week! In Soho! When did I become so cool and hip? Drinks on me folks!

PS: Last round of job interviews today. This is exhausting. I hope I never, ever, find myself in a situation where I have to utter the following words: What makes you think you will be the right person for this job?

Day 43- If this is the competition out there…….

What will I miss when I leave my job?
The answer is simple: The people. I’ve worked side by side with some of the most interesting, funny and charming people you can ever imagine. Kind is another word that comes to mind. Honest. Extremely professional.
I will also miss the park where I eat my lunch. It is a magical place, totally Narniaish. If there ever was a place to nibble on turkish delight and converse with Mr Tumnus, this park would be it.

One of my colleague asked me, after a disastrous round two of job interviews, if I wasn’t scared to go ‘out there’, again. Didn’t the process of having to go through a job interview myself frighten me? Are you kidding me? If this is the competition out there, I have nothing to worry about! For real. Also, I do hope to be able to live of the writing, so there is that. If not, sure, I’ll apply for a job.

But, what does it mean to have a great career? Have a listen:

You know you are on the road to success if you would do your job, and not be paid for it.
Oprah 

You Poor Thing!

The job interviews yesterday went worse than expected. They just confirmed what I already had a suspicion of: What use is a Bachelor, ney Master degree, if you can’t even write a CV or control your body language at a job interview?

Two of the women, sorry-girls, that we had called in for this position, looked simply marvelous on paper: Lots of degrees from various universities, well traveled, various volunteer work, in other words: well meaning, well-educated women. But like I mentioned yesterday, they were unable to match the cover letter to the qualifications and experiences listed in the job description.

OK, that could be from lack of experience, let’s not be too harsh here. Lets call them in and see what they have to say in real life. Big mistake. I felt so sorry for them!
You poor thing!
In all fairness, no intervju should take place with the backdrop of: Lets see if they are better than we think they are. When someone arrives for a job interview, we should already be impressed, not feel sorry for them. No wonder I got the jobs I applied for. I see now that I rock at job interviews! I know all the tricks and I’m not afraid to use them:

• Be confident, smile and copy their body language
• Make them laugh
• Listen for what they ask and answer accordingly
• Admit what you don’t know, but be quick to add that you are a speedy learner

And that is just the rudimentary basics. Where these girls went wrong:

• You could smell the fear, the body language signaled: frightened female about to faint
•  Timid voice and politicly correct answers, nothing funny or original
• When asked simple questions, they went on and on about something that was almost on target
• None of them saw their own limitations. When asked: ‘Do you have any experience with event planning?’, I got the following reply: Yes! As a receptionist I would often order lunch for the other staff. Better to say no, but add that that part of the job is very attractive and you welcome the challenge………………..

There was on good candidate though. She had no higher education, but loads of work experience. She was relaxed, could give us an example of a difficult work situation and how she solved it, she seamed solution oriented, positive and reliable. You go girl! Can I just add that she is from the same part of the country as me? Must be something in the water. 

We are interviewing 3 more candidates today. Let’s see how that goes……

“Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell ‘em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.” –Theodore Roosevelt

Day 41- The Job Interview

Two great things happened yesterday:

1. The Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a son. Hipp Hipp!

2. The agent I met back in June emailed me and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. Duh…!

Not that these two events are in any way related, or are they? At this stage in life I’m not ruling anything out. In any case, yesterday was a spectacular day. I had planned to contact the agent myself, but oh so happy not having to be pushy or creepy. Now I could just reply in an airy, yet positive manner. ‘Of course I would! Ha ha ha.’ 

Today is a different kettle of fish. We are interviewing 3 ladies for my position. Hm. I have read through the applications and I have to say that I am less than impressed. I’m not saying they don’t have any higher education to show for, I’m not saying they lack personal qualifications (they have all included the helpful following sentence: I work well on my own, but am also a great team-player), and I’m not saying they couldn’t learn the job. It’s not that.
 

What I’m responding to is the fact that none of them have managed the simple task of linking up their application to the job description. None of them have stated ‘I would like to be a PA because….’, or ‘What I learned in my previous role will be a great asset in this new position‘ or even something as simple as matching the language of the job description with the wording in their application. How do we know if they are highly organised if they write that they are great with deadlines? Get a grip people! Also, when someone lists ‘shopping‘ under personal interests, you have to wonder….. And to the person who described themselves as ‘down to earth‘ what the hell were you thinking?! Don’t you know down to earth is synonymous to boring, stubborn, uneventful, uptight, or as a friend of mine so well put it ‘It would take a dynamite up their ass to get them high’. Hear hear!

The shockingly bad applications are not what worries me this Tuesday morning. What worries me is that the boss is away on vacation and has left the interview process with someone who can only be described as Dolores Umbridge’s twin brother. I fear he will choose the down to earth team-player. I can not let this happen! 

I get to sit in on the interviews, I get to have a say. Believe me, I will make sure that the person filling my shoes is both fun-loving, interesting and qualified. 

I’ll tell you how it went tomorrow.

PS: Nothing wrong per se about being down to earth, we need all kinds of people on this planet, it’s just not a great thing to write on a job application. Try something abit more upbeat.

Day 40- Rainy Reading Day

It’s raining this morning! Big beautiful raindrops, dark clouds and roaring thunder.
The soothing sound of raindrops falling from the sky, the refreshing smell of wet leaves, just standing outside and getting soaked to the bones. What could be better than that? I’ll tell you what could be worse: –Having to go to work.

Going to work rules out making cinnamon rolls (staple rain and thunder food)
Going to work rules out lying in the chilled, wet grass (whilst the neighbours wonder if they should call a padded truck)
Going to work rules out sitting in front of the crackling fire and reading an awesome detective story.

Why work? Why?! The next best thing this morning will be to bring a mug of latte on the bus and hope for a window seat. A window seat will ensure that I can wedge the mug between the corner of the bus-seat and my back whilst I turn the pages of my book. I’ve tried reading while clutching the mug in an aisle seat, and maneuvering my bags between my legs, and paying attention to if the person next to me wants to get off or not. The whole kerfuffle is neither lady-like or amusing. It’s a pain in the ass. None of us should be forced to encounter this logistical nightmare so early in the morning. Commuting truly sucks.

But hey-ho, what to do? Latte is made, lunch is packed, now I just need to find a good book to read. I thought I had found a book yesterday, but had to put it down after only 30 pages. Nothing is worse than boring trying to be sexy. I could have dealt with that, in a pinch, if the author hadn’t thrown in a ‘well-endowed’ dwarf as a murder suspect. What does that have to do with anything? Spare me the penile description, unless it can talk or bake a freaking cake. Then I would be interested.

Off I go. Have a good day!